The “in-between” stage of dating is tricky and frustrating.   The "In-Between" Stage of Dating

You’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, but you’ve been dating for a few months.  You’ve developed some feelings or a level of intimacy and things are getting comfortable. It doesn’t suck as much as the first date Groundhog’s day experience, but it isn’t like we are discussing buying concert tickets for two months out.

I’ve been dating Galvin* now for almost three months.  He hasn’t tried to kill me since our first date  and we still can tolerate being around each other. Well more than tolerate, as I’ve grown accustomed to our daily texts, inside jokes and spending a few times a week together. Things are overall good between us, but we definitely are in the in-between stage of dating.

From the start, Galvin and I made a conscious effort to take things slow to build a solid foundation. We opted not to be exclusive right away, although neither had a strong desire to date others.  There have been times when I felt we might be close to discussing moving to the next stage in dating, but I know “we aren’t there yet.”

“We aren’t there yet” is a common phrase in the in-between stage of dating. Such as, we may introduce them to a few friends, but “we aren’t there yet” to be Facebook friends or close our online dating profiles.  Or we may buy them a birthday gift, but “we aren’t there yet” to be spending over $50.  Now, I didn’t think we were there yet for him to vomit in my bedroom or right outside of our tent when camping, but I wasn’t given a choice in those matters.

The hardest thing about the in-between stage of dating for me is the ambiguity in the relationship. Why can’t someone create an app to help navigate through what is or isn’t appropriate in this stage of dating? I am convinced if someone did, that app would be bigger than Instagram and there would be a lot more happy people in the world. That app also could had helped me avoided some disappointment when I went looking in the wrong place for a rock to lean on for a risky surgical procedure.

The "in-between" stage of dating beach

 

Why can’t someone create an app to help navigate through what is or isn’t appropriate in the ‘in-between’ stage of dating?

 

 

In my mind, I wanted Galvin to be my rock, which in the in-between stage of dating, is where I went wrong.  We so weren’t there yet for him to be my rock, but that didn’t stop me from expecting him to at least have some rock-like qualities. It is easy to be fooled into unrealistic expectations in the “in-between” stage of dating.

So when our plans to hang out the day before my procedure did not measure up to my expectations, I was annoyed. I thought it was going to be an afternoon of hiking on the beach, dinner at a restaurant and some evening fun. What I got was being told, not asked, that we were spending the afternoon with Galvin’s roommate and dinner at home.

I’m still not sure what annoyed me the most.  Discovering that Galvin can be totally inconsiderate or that “we aren’t there yet” to have the conversation about how I felt about the situation? It didn’t feel fair that we were close enough that when he was terribly sick I spent a week by his side cooking, driving him to the ER and nursing him back to health. Yet, when I needed a faux-rock to lean on, I had the rude awakening that “we aren’t there yet” so deal with it.

What if something went wrong during my procedure? I didn’t want my last night with my faux-rock to be a threesome with no benefits. Dramatic thinking I know, but I didn’t get why he didn’t get that I wanted some alone time with him.

It took a conversation with a very wise cousin to realize that though I may want Galvin to be my rock and more considerate of my needs, right now we just aren’t there yet and it is ok.

Right now we just aren’t there yet and it is ok

In the meantime, I recognized I need to be my own rock during the in-between stage of dating. Often times we are taught from movies and song lyrics that sacrificing everything for another is a sign of love. But can you truly be someone else’s rock, if you can’t first be your own?

So what did I do the night before my procedure after my revelation?  I politely declined hanging out with Galvin and his BFF, even though I had been looking forward to seeing him all week. Instead, I indulged in a night of doing what I wanted to do. I had a food porn experience, drank lots of wine, spoke Italian all night with a cute waiter and was distracted from my upcoming procedure.

There is nothing wrong with taking time for you while dating. The in-between stage of dating is ambiguous because you’re still learning about each other and how to communicate once you pass the honeymoon phase. Until you get to the next stage of dating, hopefully you’re with someone who you feel comfortable talking to and can understand when you need to take care of your own needs.  If not, deem this a red flag and get prepared to put on your running shoes.

 

*Name changed to keep his identity private

Ready for a break and some travel therapy?

Sign up to be a Rogue Insider and you'll receive: 

* Travel and self-care tips

* Early notifications on exclusive girls trips for women of color

* News updates and special opportunities from our team

Ciao and welcome to the Rogue Insiders community! I'm hella thrilled to have you as apart of our community of people ready to travel beyond their imagination while also taking care of their well-being. 

If you're not already, I encourage you to join our Facebook group, Women of Color Travel Therapy, which is a closed group of supportive women of color where we discuss more in-depth travel and self-care topics. It's also a great place to ask for advice or to learn about travel deals or potential vacation destinations. 

Ciao,

Danielle

CEO and Chief Travel Concierge 

 

No worries, we don't believe in sharing your info. You're safe!