I want to date a Black man!

[title maintitle=”” subtitle=”Why Does Everyone Think This Is Impossible?”]

I want to date a Black man that gets me.

Yet society, friends and dating apps all pretty much shake their head in disbelief and are constantly telling me I’m more likely to find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

MUST READ: Am I Datable?

I’ve tried dating outside of my race and it was fine. I met some great men and even fell in love. I’ve also met some questionable ones that I felt were only with me because of my skin tone. The common thread about both types was that at the end of the day, they would never fully understand what it is like to be Black in America and I crave someone who gets it.

Now, I fully expect for the media to depict my desire to date a Black man as mission impossible. However, it felt like I got suckered punched when a close friend, who is also a Black male, said to me, “You’re a good catch, but you’re never going to find a Black man.” After he pulled the knife out of my chest with that comment he went on to explain why:

• “You are intimidating”

Black women are constantly being told they are intimidating and yet many are still finding Black men to date and even marry. I don’t think I’m intimidating, but I even had an employer in a review tell me I intimidated my superiors. I didn’t know how to handle that comment then and I still don’t know how to deal with it now. I’m not the type to dummy down my personality to please a man, so this may be an issue.

• “You are over analytical and you ask too many questions”

This comment would have been easy to brush off had I not just had a Black guy I was trying to date claim this as one of my faults. He cleaned it up by saying I asked too many questions about a personal part of his life he doesn’t want to share, but he was still corroborating what my friend had said. I won’t lie, I was shocked that asking too many questions could be a deal breaker for some men.

• “Black men want to be Captain-Save-A-Ho”

Many Black men need to feel needed to feel secure is what he told me. His theory was that they want a Black woman who is struggling a bit so they can come in and save the day as Captain Save-A-Ho. Basically he was saying that I’m too strong willed (again) and I generally have my stuff together to where Black men would be turned off by me. What I heard was that I emasculate men, which is so not true!

• “Great body, but you talk like a real White girl”

This comment touched a sore point, as it isn’t the first time I heard that I sound White. This is one conversation in the Black community that truly pisses me off. Why must we all have the same voice and mannerisms to be Black? White people don’t and you don’t hear people questioning their whiteness. If I can’t date a Black man because of my voice or mannerisms, then I’m 100% fine with being single for life or expanding my preferences. I will never apologize about speaking proper English, minus a few hellas here and there. Just like I am not about to apologize for my Blackness when dating non-Black men.

I get this conversation was coming from a place of love, so I didn’t dismiss it completely, but I’m also not buying into it. Just like I am not buying into the myth Married At First Sight is proclaiming that Black men don’t want to date Black women. There are too many statistics, like the fact that 88%+ of black men marry black women, to prove this myth wrong. I can see where it may be harder to date a Black man here in San Francisco, but that is not the case in other cities.

What gives me hope of meeting a Black man that will value all that I have to offer in a relationship are people like Paul Carrick Brunson. Watch his video commentary regarding the clip from Married At First Sight that had three Black men stating they did not want to date Black women. In short, he called what  the show was proclaiming, “BS.” So with that, I’m going to keep on my search for my unicorn: a Black man that wants to be with me. He’s out there.

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